I have always been tempted but never ventured further than the thought. It’s addictive, I tell myself. Once I have it, will I need it or simply move on? Will it be just one more experience crossed off the list on my path to adulthood, or a constant thought on my mind, hole in my wallet, or perhaps worst of all, a never ending addiction that controls my life?
I’ve never felt the need to give into this temptation, every offer I’ve received has always been met with a shrug and an easily spoken ‘no thanks’, but today…today I hesitated. Something stirred within me, a small, soft, faded voice sighed. I could barely hear it but it was powerful, breathy yeeessssss…
That one word lingered in the air, surrounding me and seeping deep into my mind. It was so alluring, so captivating. Maybe I could give in? Just once won’t hurt, right? No. Don’t. You know the strength and control temptation can force upon you. What am I thinking? Is it worth the risk, to give up my freedom and be condemned to wander forever within the realms of dependence and need?
Perhaps it was the voice silencing the negatives, perhaps it began to stir my reason, but my thoughts began to morph. But what if it is? What if it changes my life for the better? How can I know if I don’t try? It’s perfectly fine, I assured myself. Everyone around me is doing it so why shouldn’t I? It doesn’t seem to affect them too much; a brighter smile, an elevated mood, an energy kick, a warmth. They aren’t addicted, they are armoured with it. It’s harmless, I reasoned. What am I waiting for? It’s time.
My trembling hands began preparing my first fix. This doesn’t seem so hard. I’ve seen so many people do it, my hands were skilled, it came so naturally. Within seconds I was staring at this long avoided temptation. It swirls and circles in my hands, black and deep, hypnotising me, beckoning me to the edge. It breathes its rich scent into my nose, whispering silently, arousing my senses. I hear the voice whispering within the blackness, yeeessssssss…I want it. I close my eyes and raise it to my parted lips. It flows slowly into my mouth and I feel the instant burn as it explores my tongue, passing over every curious tastebud. It tastes bitter and dark as I thought temptation would, yet it sweet and comforting. I swallow and let out warm breath of satisfaction as the heat spreads through my body, the black temptation beginning to subdue its new victim. With one dose I knew I wanted more, and without thought or hesitation I willingly opened the doors and welcomed the blackness to take control. My hands and mouth acted without my orders, allowing again and again the temptation to enter my body until it was completely within. I sat back in my chair. It’s over. I’m fine. That wasn’t as bad as I thought, I actually enjoyed it. I felt warm and satisfied. A few minutes past and I began to feel an overwhelming sensation, it surged from the depths of my chest. The black had given me a false sense of security and comfort while it searched for my heart. It chased my frightened heart around and around my chest. Its rhythm unusually fast sent my body into overdrive. My lungs needed more and more oxygen, I was drowning in air, panting and I couldn’t slow. The world seemed so fast, my eyes flicked and moved rapidly seeing everything and nothing. I couldn’t focus. I blinked hard and breathed deep but nothing could help. I just wanted to run as fast and as far as my legs could carry me. It’s the black. It’s the high that people achieve, that they longed for to survive every gruelling day. There was nothing I could do. The black had me in its claws and it wasn’t letting go until it had its turn living my life, controlling my body while I watched from somewhere within.
The black’s power lessened slowly and I felt my consciousness and control return, but before it was gone completely it had enough strength to use my ravaged body to summon another dose and forever mark me as a slave to its will. My shaking hands typed out a small message, ‘small cap, two sugars please’. And with send, I was hooked.